This morning, I was reading the Decameron, and its introduction, which is blazingly boring, like reading a 14th century feminist literature book. I decided to take a catnap. I had the weirdest fucking dream ever. Which is pretty much par for the course for me.
I had this dream where I was in the deep-south competing in the strangest competition. The announcer had a deep stereotypical drawl, but with a derogatory, “I married my sister and raped your dog” sound. Ewww. The competition was set up where there was a gigantic t-shirt launcher, almost like a cannon, which fired wet, soggy beanbag chairs. The main competitors were extremely obese southerners who wore flannel shirts with all the buttons undone because their beer bellies were so big. And me, for some inexplicable reason. I came after the main champ, the fattest, nastiest, smelliest one, wearing a white shirt, two sizes, two small, with deep yellow stains in his armpits, a day old shave that looked a month old, and a mullet. A freaking mullet. The cannon would launch these beanbags, and the competitor would stand across a field and basically chest palm it, and then deposit it into a garbage pail. He set the record for a dozen bags deposited. He proceeded to have cardiac arrest, which he cured with a barbeque sandwich.
It was finally my turn. The beanbag rocketed through the sky at a frightening velocity. I attempted to track it with my eyes, still bewildered to how I got myself into this situation, unaware it is but a dream. It went into its downward projection, and I opened my arms and let out a bestial scream, which sounded more like a mouse roaring at drywall. The bag hit me full on, and I did a backwards somersault, and lay prone for about thirty seconds. I thought my entire ribcage and sternum just exploded. I crawled to the garbage pail and deposited my prize. One. I gave a wave to the announcer signaling my submission.
“Pussy!” he barks in his drawl. I weakly lift a middle finger, then I passed out with multiple fractures, also shamefully in last place, completely emasculated.
This is how I start my fucking morning, to every single southern stereotype, and virtually neutered. LadeedoodeefuckingDA. Skipping on my heels now.
Keys
11 years ago
