I was born. Head was huge. I was fat. Imagine this picture. Brick through window. Birthing was difficult. Mom slightly screamed. Actually a lot. Scared my dad. He’s still scared. My mom’s loud.
Babies are crazy. I’m no exception. I was annoying. Very loud infant. Hellacious little devil. Never shut up. Pissed everyone off. Sisters hated me. I always cried. So they say. Don’t believe them. I’m an angel. And a liar.
Then came childhood. Some ridiculous times. I broke everything. Sigh, fun times! Had no common sense. I ate dirt. I ate newspaper. My mom’s plants. A human dumpster. Voracious and stupid. But very cute. Way too cute. Got my way. A young tyrant. Ruled the household. Sisters hated me. It’s my world. I own it. So I believed. Cocky little jerk. Mom loved me. Dad’s now confused. I enjoyed it.
Went to school. I broke everything. Got in trouble. All the time. Teachers loved me. I was smart. Only in class. Otherwise, always destructive. Still, very cute. Charmed the ladies. Had first kiss. It was kindergarten. I’m that cool. Just a joke. I’m so awkward. To this day.
Got in trouble. Way too much. Now, boarding school. Parents were tired. Bye, bye Mom! Hello cruel school. Lots of rules. Obey and behave. Please be quiet. Or else, brat. I hated it. Bored to death. Too much detention. I set records. 36 consecutive hours. Not much fun. Cleaned up poop. Horrible, nasty work.
I had friends. Really great friends. We suffered together. Some bad times. Mostly good times. We broke everything. Doors, walls, windows. I mean everything. You name it. Ceilings, toilets, lights. Broke every rule. Teenagers are tornados. We weren’t bad. At times, misguided. But not bad.
Played some football. I’m not athletic. I was slow. Like a slug. Couldn’t catch anything. Played “left out”. Or “right bench”. Not much fun. Used to wrestle. Some nice spandex. Really freaking tight. Didn’t enjoy that. Nor the man-love. Really strange sport. I preferred sleeping. And gratuitous eating.
Girls are mysterious. Never understand them. They’re from Venus. I’m from Pluto. So many failures. Every date – disastrous. I’m a romantic. Got thirty roses. Flat out rejected. What a day. Asked someone out. First date – horrific. I got feverish. And passed out. I’m not kidding. What bad luck. This wasn’t unusual.
Pulled grades up. Got act together. Got into college. An astounding miracle. Graduated with honors. Didn’t bribe anyone. Graduation was bittersweet. I’d miss everyone. My best friends. Always living together. Always being silly. They were special. Friends for life. That’s so cheesy. And yet, true.
Welcome to college. Crazy, idiotic roommate. I hated him. Loud, stereotypical rocker. Never, ever slept. So I couldn’t. My grades plummeted. Eventually, switched roommates. No more hijinks. Focusing on classes. Somehow I survived. Goodbye freshman year. Say hello Recession. No more money. Taking year off.
Just starting now. I’m an adult. Inside, a kid. Quite a past. Many growing pains. Many mistakes made. Life goes on. Gonna keep rolling. Not done yet.
Keys
11 years ago
