My Childhood is Weird

I choose you... Munchlax...

Doesn't have quite the same effect as the old harmonic theme song as "I choose you, Pikachu!" I was playing a videogame (Super Smash Bros Brawl), because that's what you do in college (of course) when this strange little creature comes up that I don't recognize. I looks like what a little kid (or Keith Richards, same mental capabilities) would imagine Santa's helpers would look like... if they did some serious crack. I find out it's a Pokemon, lo and behold, and that a lot of these weird new creatures are also Pokemon from the new one, for DS. They look like they have been taken out of a Freddy Krueger movie, or rather as if the animators were just using all the rejected ideas from past ones that they said last time, "Oh, you dumbass, that's absolutely ridiculous", and are now basically saying, "F#@* it." It made me appreciate "the good old days" of Charmander, and Squirtle, such creative little names that I can still remember. (Is this a sign of nostalgia, or absolute geekiness?) Today's Pokemon names are, and this is no joke, things like "Luvdisc", where the little critter is actually just a heart on its side, with eyes and lips. Or, and I kid you not, the priceless "Licklicky" which is basically a giant tongue with a body on the side, as bonus. I dunno, I just saw these in a quick google search, and the most ridiculous things came up. It's both entertaining, and a little depressing, thinking what the next generation is getting as entertainment.

Mucha Lucha? What about the classic "Hey Arnold!" Anyone who watched that show can admit, Arnold's room was the Schizz and Helga was very creepy, rocking the unibrow.
That new Jonas Brother phenomenon? A group of supposedly guys, which is extremely questionable who care far too much about hair than anyone rightfully should. It makes one long for the days of Angry Beavers, the greatest name for a show ever. (I want to meet these old Nickelodeon cartoonists and shake their hand, and then immediately disinfect it.) Or how about Kenan and Kel? Who loves Orange soda because of that show? I know I do I do I do I doooooooo. Great quote.

Just a quick aside, I have always truly disliked Spongebob Squarepants. Even though its relatively old, and I remember it from my middle school days before I was exiled to boarding school, it is the epitome of why Americans are unable to locate basic things on a map, or respond properly when asked questions. (A little tangent, if you haven't seen Ms South Carolina be flabbergasted when asked about the dilemma with basic geography, I highly suggest you check out the youtube video.) Spongebob is like Ren and Stimpy, but even more ridiculous and unrealistic, droning and unfunny. I enjoyed the occasional Ren and Stimpy show, but I always knew that it was probably the product of a bad acid trip, and should be taken as such. But a talking sponge, whose best friend is a starfish, next door neighbor is a squid and whose boss is a crab? What the hell. We always debate over the legalization of marijuana, but with drivel like this nonsense, its basically advocating the mass injection of heroin into the masses bloodstream on a daily basis. There is no other way for anyone to possibly get anything worthwhile from the show, other than I'm sure it would be a jolly good time to be absolutely smashed and see a talking sponge that is a fry cook, karate advocate and a public nudist.

My old roommate was really into the punk scene, and for some reason he had all the old Nickelodeon songs on his computer. I was questioning his sanity when showed me that the theme songs for all those cartoons, like Doug and Rocko's Modern Life are all punk songs, a la Reel Big Fish.

I ended up watching on of his episodes of Rocko's Modern Life. Unbelievably dirty stuff. In the episode I was watching Heffer Wolf, the overweight cow, starts a nudist colony in Rocko's backyard. Just some random quotes, that one would think would be taken from an adult movie, when taken out of context.

"Just take your trousers off and join the party!"
"You shaved just for me?"
"I just dropped my pididles (This is said after Heffer sees a group of models, and walks in the room blushing. I do not know what a pididle is, but based on the context..."

In the show, there are homosexual lizard hairdressers, a naked pig Cupid, and a psychotic boss that would put the Office to shame. There is even a board game called "Spank the Monkey" I kid you not. How can these Nickelodeon people get away with this? I'm not saying it to be condemning, but you would think that someone would catch on to the fact that every other joke has a sexual innuendo? At least it's quite entertaining.

The one cartoon in retrospect that I realize was pretty lame, was Speed Racer. The plotline, if someone was just reading the script and didn't know it was a kid's cartoon, would probably think it was some insane slasher flick. Think about it. Little boy and a monkey dressed in human clothes locked in a trunk, where the driver has a speech impediment, where his lips move three times for each syllable he says? Is that not a little sketch?

All I can surmise is, if anyone bothered to read this monstrosity, if you're a guy, you're probably enjoying the memories of Ren and Stimpy basically blowing themselves up in creatively chaotic ways, and if you're a girl, are probably scratching your head at how someone could be such a dork. Although considering where I came from, it's not too much of a conundrum.