Power Hour #6 (Incomplete)

Teddy showered, not because he was dirty, but because he did not know what else to do. He sat in the corner of the shower and held his knees. His knuckles were white, his hands were trembling. He squeezed his legs inwards, curling his body into the smallest possible shape. Teddy held his legs as if they would evaporate into steam if he ever did let go. He rocked his body back and forth to the beat of his heart. He listened for anyone outside. But all he heard was the thumping of his heart and the rain filling his ears.

The water covered him like moss on a rock. He could feel the water pool around his buttocks. It felt somewhat like sitting in a puddle after a spring downpour. It felt like the times when he didn’t care about getting mud on his pants. It felt wrong because he worried about the wrinkles he would get by staying in water for too long. It felt wrong because he knew he had to get up eventually, and the puddle would disappear down the drain. Teddy had put the temperature as hot as he could bear. He watched his skin turn pink, then redden. He knew he was sweating, but it was hidden, seamlessly combined with the water. He felt feverish, but not sick. The water pressed his unruly hair down. Trickled down his face. He looked up and kept his eyes open, but he saw only flowing water. It looked like the windows of a car during a car wash. Teddy had not touched his soap or his shampoo. He enjoyed the rare scent of nothing. He turned his head toward his elbow and watched a stream shoot diagonally at the wall. He kept on rocking back and forth, and in turn the stream would make slashing x’s. He did this for a while, but he kept on holding onto his knees, just a little less tightly.

The door was locked. He had jammed the magazine holder under the doorknob to ensure no one would enter. The room was crammed with steam. All the glass surfaces were just a white painted wall. Teddy did not want to be seen, nor did he want to see himself. He showered, not because he could, but because had to, or else he did not know what he would do to himself.

Most days, Teddy tried not to feel. At school, he had his routines. He would always sit in the back right corner of the room in every class. When he walked around the hallways, he liked to count the different colored tiles. He’d choose different columns to look at, choose how far he would count to, choose a different color to count for every day. The other kids used to interrupt him. Some kids would block his path. Some kids would push him. Some kids liked to slam him into the lockers. They liked the sound it made. They liked that they could push Teddy around. They liked breaking his routines because they knew it hurt more than punch. Teddy usually kept counting, kept marching forward.

This morning, Teddy was up to his usual business. He learned to count faster so he could make it to his next class in time. He had friends. People liked to talk about him. Some people wanted to find out more about him. So they talked to him when he wasn’t in the hallway. Usually in the cafeteria, a group of girls used to sit around him. They liked to tidy him up after the bullies had thrown him about. They liked to comb his hair and fix his collar. Teddy could do this on his own, but he liked their gentle hands. They liked to open his potato chip bags every day. He did not like this. Teddy liked to make the popping himself. They’d talk to him and tell him about their day. They’d tell him about how awful the boys were. They’d tell him secrets. They’d tell him things about their families that they were ashamed of. They’d tell him about things they were scared of. They’d feel safe around him, because Teddy looked like he was never scared. Teddy would be nice, as his mother taught him. He’d laugh when he was supposed to, smile when they would smile, and hug them when they were sad. But Teddy didn’t care about most of the girls. He couldn’t tell them apart. They had the same problems, the same mommy issues, the same bad grades and the same crooked smile when they thought he wasn’t looking.

But there was one girl who made Teddy feel.